The Mushroom, October 5

Soldier finally leaves battle due to exhaustion

RHINE, HOLLAND – After three years of being in active battle, Lieutenant Jimmy Patterson has decided to leave the frontlines of war, lay down his guns, and get some rest at a hospital.

"Whenever I got shot a few times, I just took a swig from my medical canteen and then I felt alright," Patterson claims.

Patterson will be treated for wounds he incurred after taking several dozen shots from MG42s, over 200 MP38 and MP40 rounds, shrapnel bits from a stiehlhandgranate that exploded by his head, and a bullet from his foot when he accidentally shot off his M1 Garand.

Wife to Dave Halverson: "Please come home."

LOS ANGELES, CA – Jane Halverson, wife of video game journalist Dave, is feeling the pains of having a workaholic for a husband. Dave Halverson, who is having too much fun living out his dream to spend time with his wife and child, has written approximately 85% of the content of every issue of his magazine, PLAY, since its inception.

"The only time he ever plays with our kid is when he trying out action figure and to see if they’re safe for children," Jane Halverson said, "Please come home, Dave. Why don’t you just let Jon Gibson write some more?"

Dave Halverson was unable to comment as he was busy wondering if he could get away with giving a Sega game two pluses in its "A" grade.